


To Do List

by bonzai_bunny



Category: Aquaman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Green Lantern - All Media Types, Superman - All Media Types, Wonder Woman - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Diana's magic booze (tm), Drunken Confessions, Gen, No proofreading we die like mne, Past Selina Kyle/Bruce Wayne, Past Talia al Ghul/Bruce Wayne, Wonderbat if you squint
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 11:54:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,935
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24969298
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bonzai_bunny/pseuds/bonzai_bunny
Summary: Some of the other founders want to know who, out of Batman's Rogue Gallery, Bruce would bang. Bruce is drunk enough to answer.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 60





	To Do List

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was directly inspired by an absurd conversation I had on the batfam discord and then the following tumblr post I made about it. That proofreading tag has never been more real.

It was hard to tell when Bruce was actually drunk because he seemed stone cold sober up until he was nearing blackout levels. If you knew him, you could tell in the way he would squint his eyes and list slightly forward. He barely slurred or anything. He could pass for tipsy for a long time before he was suddenly out on the floor. It was something Clark had to look for, whenever Bruce let his guard down enough to get well and truly blitzed.

It was something that Bruce typically only did around the other founders, when they had a rough battle or a generally stressful time. Clark could tell Bruce was about halfway to blackout, although Clark was leaving the tipsy stage himself with his hand around a cup full of some fine, Amazonian wine. That was another reason they all drank together: all of them could actually get drunk with some help from Diana. 

They sat around a fire on a beach somewhere in the upper Atlantic on the coast of North America. The surrounding area was mostly devoid of people, especially at night, which was why they chose this spot. There was nothing but their chatter and the sound of the waves crashing on the shore. Hal was currently trying to convince them all that it wasn’t weird that he would bang Sinestro if the alien wasn’t evil. 

“Come--come on,” Hal slurred. Barry had left early, stating a heavy caseload in the morning, so Hal’s common sense filter was gone. (Bruce would argue he never had one to begin with.)

“Like none of you have wanted to bang your villains,” he finished.

“No,” Bruce and Clark said at the same time. 

Arthur snorted into his drink and said, “Pretty sure Lex wants to fuck _you,_ Kal.”

Clark felt his face grow hot and he shook his head vehemently, like he was trying to banish the thought from his head. 

“No! That’s--no!”

“Some of your rogues are pretty bangable, Bruce,” Hal pointed out, but with his slur it sounded more like “Broosh.”

“No,” Bruce replied again

“You tellin’ me you wouldn’t fuck Ivy? She’s pretty fuckin’ hot.”

“No,” Bruce said again, although his brows were pinched like he was actually thinking about it.

“She hates men. She’d poison me.”

“If this is how you all talk about the women in your lives, I don’t blame her,” Diana said before she downed a shot of something. Hal attempted to look a little guilty but Bruce only glanced blandly in her direction.

“And anyway,” Diana added, “his most sexually attractive villain is Dr. Quinzel.”

Bruce looked at the ground with that pinched look, but when he didn’t answer, Clark gasped.

“Bruce!”

Bruce rubbed his jaw and admitted, “She has...expressed interest in me in the past.”

Clark looked horrified. 

“Bruce, you _didn’t._ ”

“No, I never,” Bruce clarified. “But she isn’t all bad and...is quite attractive out of her clown makeup.”

Diana smirked at Hal as if to say _I told you so._ Hal’s spirits weren’t dampened, however; he saw an opportunity in Bruce’s sudden forthrightness. He clapped his hands together.

“Okay! New game: we guess who, out of his rogue gallery, Bruce would bang.”

Bruce frowned but didn’t protest. 

Arthur belched and drawled, “Bet I can guess who’s on the fuckin’ ‘won’t fuck’ list.”

Hal rolled his eyes. 

“That isn’t hard. Nobody in their right mind wants to fuck the Joker.”

Bruce made a noise of disagreement and immediately four pairs of eyes were on him. Diana looked vaguely sick.

“Bruce!”

Bruce looked up at their scrutiny and scrunched up his face, disgusted. 

“Not me. Oh _god, no._ I mean there are groupies. Fans who want to fuck him.”

“Bruce,” Hal said solemnly, “every new thing I learn about Gotham makes me want to kill myself. Honestly. How do you live there?”

Bruce scowled. 

“Fuck off, Jordan.”

Clark held up a placating hand before Hal could make a retort. 

“Hal, please.”

Hal took another drink and said without much heat, “Bite me, asshole. Not you, Supes.”

Clark sighed. That was about as much as he could hope for. 

“ _Anyway_ ,” Arthur began, “I wanna know more about Bat’s tastes. We all know you would, and have, fucked Catwoman. What about Scarecrow?”

Bruce thought about it. 

“I guess. A bit too bony for my tastes.”

Arthur grinned like he had been handed a goldmine. 

“You like ‘em thick, huh? Is that why you like Catwoman so much?”

Bruce’s face flushed pink but he didn’t deny it. Instead he narrowed his eyes and said, “I will fight you, fish man.”

Arthur let out a bark of laughter. 

“Bring it on, rich boy!”

“Your Riddler is not unattractive,” Diana mused while she sipped some of her God Only wine. Clark held out his cup and she filled it.

“No,” Bruce agreed. “He’s just a pain in the ass. But I wouldn’t say no.”

There was a pause before Bruce clarified: “Batman would say no. Bruce Wayne might give him a chance.”

“You’re so fucking weird,” Hal said, without any malice. “Ummm…..what about Clayface?”

When Bruce didn’t immediately deny anything, Hal gasped.

“You kinky motherfucker!”

“No, that isn’t—” Bruce sighed. “Clayface can solidify himself. And he’s proven himself an asset many times.”

“Yeah, I bet he’s solidified in your assets,” Hal said and beside Bruce, Clark giggled. Bruce cast Clark a betrayed look so Clark tried to cover his giggles with a cough.

“Right--so,” Clark cleared his throat, “what about Mr. Freeze?”

Bruce frowned and shook his head. “Bad idea. He can’t survive in below freezing temperatures and I don’t particularly want to freeze my nuts off.”

After stating this, Bruce remembered that there weren’t only guys in the conversation and said, “Sorry. No offense, Diana.”

Diana shrugged. 

“I’ve seen your nuts; they are non-offensive.” 

Bruce’s frown deepened. 

“Thanks?”

Hal looked like his mind had exploded and Arthur hurried them past the moment by saying,

“Okay, I’m not gonna unpack all that, so let’s keep going. Penguin?”

“There’s nothing wrong with him--technically--but his personality is so repulsive, I don’t know if I could do it.”

Clark nodded sagely. 

"I understand that. I assume Killer Croc is on the 'won't' list."

Hal made an exaggerated gagging sound and said, “He’d get _so_ _many_ diseases.”

"I hate to agree with Jordan on principle," Bruce started.

"Hey!"

"But he's right. I'm not interested in becoming the vector of a new STI."

“I take it Bane is a hard no,” Arthur said. The rest of the group went quiet, looking at Bruce carefully for any sign of disturbance but Bruce just looked thoughtful.

“It’s a bad idea for sure. He seems to flip on whether or not he wants me dead.”

The silence grew as everyone contemplated that which Clark broke by asking,

“Man-bat?” with a hiccup.

Bruce snorted and listed sideways before he was pushed back into his original position by Diana.

“I mean, Dr. Langstrum? Sure. An actual human-sized bat? Hell no.”

Arthur seemed to find that especially funny and laughing, asked, “Are you sure? I think Gotham’s furries would be disappointed.”

“Hey,” Bruce said and pointed approximately where he thought Arthur was. “I am not a representative of the furry community.”

“Are you sure?” Hal asked with a lop-sided grin. “No Man-Bat, no Killer Croc, next you’re going to say no Professor Pyg.”

Bruce turned his accusing finger to Hal and said, “Fuck you.”

Diana interrupted whatever Hal was going to say by asking, “So who would you have sex with? I think we’ve gone over just about all the ‘don’t fuck’ list.”

Bruce thought about it.

“First, I need to make aware that Dr. Strange is also on the ‘don’t fuck’ list.”

Clark nodded, with his curls bouncing over his forehead. 

“Right, right.”

“Also Black Mask, Zsasz, Scarface, and Mad Hatter. All of those are do not fuck. As for who I’d fuck……...does Talia count?”

“She’s your son’s mother,” Clark pointed out at the same time Arthur said,

“Still keeping it thick, I see.” 

Bruce ignored them.

“I don’t think I’d say no to Deadshot. Or Deathstroke, for that matter. Ra’s, if it wasn’t so weird.”

Hal thought about it. 

“I don’t think it’s that weird.”

“Of course you wouldn’t,” Bruce deadpanned.

"Is anyone getting this down?" Arthur asked, giddily. "I wanna remember this when I'm sober."

Clark pointed at his temple. 

"I've got it all up here. Perfect memory."

Diana chuckled and said, "We'll see if that holds true tomorrow, Kal."

"Clue Master if, again, it wasn't so weird."

"What's weird about it?" Arthur asked.

"That's Spoiler's father. She would literally castrate me."

Hal asked, "Are _all_ of your kids related to your villians?"

"No and she's not my kid." 

Hal and Arthur shared a disbelieving glance which Bruce ignored. He looked thoughtful.

“There’s no one else that’s so abhorrent that I couldn’t do it. The rest are kind of middling.” 

“Wow,” Hal said with a grin. “I didn’t know your standards were so low.”

Bruce stood, as if to confront Hal, but Clark tugged him back down to his seat. To compensate, Bruce stuck up his middle finger, which only made Hal laugh.

“So, we know out of your villains who you will and won’t fuck,” Arthur began with a conspiratal look, “But who is that in the _League?_ ” 

“I think that’s a bit inappropriate,” Clark hedged.

“I think he’s a big boy and can speak for himself,” Arthur countered. “Right Bruce?”

They all looked at Bruce who was leaning against Clark’s shoulder with his eyes shut.

“Bruce?” Clark asked and snapped his fingers in front of the other’s face. There was no response and Arthur and Hal both groaned.

“Aw man, just when it was getting good!” Hal complained. “I could’ve had a life’s worth of blackmail material!”

“Don’t be crass,” Diana chided. “Do you have him, Kal?”

Clark nodded and stood, wobbling a little, before picking Bruce up in a fireman’s carry.

“Yep.”

Diana looked doubtful. 

“Are you sure? I could take both of you if you’re too drunk.”

“I got it,” Clark said, hefting Bruce up. “I’ll fly slow.”

They all began to say their goodbyes, mindful of the unpowered human in Clark’s arms.

“I guess we’ll get together the next time the world ends, huh?” Arthur asked as he stood and stretched. 

“Yes, tell Mera I said ‘hi,’” Diana said.

“Sure thing,” Arthur said with a sloppy salute before turning around and heading to the water. 

“Later!” Hal called as he, haltingly, flew up in the sky. Diana was worried about his ability to fly but she knew saying something would just cause him to try and prove her wrong. At least the ring protected its user. She also watched Clark take off with Bruce and made sure they were solid before she took a swig of her wine and took off.

  
  


The next day, Bruce woke up with the entire body soreness that came with a world saving fight with no clear recollection of what happened after he started drinking. He rolled over and grabbed his phone and texted Clark.

 **Bruce:** What happened last night?

 **Clark:** Umm...I think you want to fuck the Riddler? I might have drank too much.

That wasn’t good. At least if Clark could barely remember there was little chance anyone else would remember what it was they had talked about. He had the sinking suspicion that he had let loose a lot more information than he normally would have. Well, that bit of knowledge was safe--for now. 

  
  



End file.
